Posted on Nov 09, 2017 by Jenna Crookshanks
Here we are in my brain again. I was just telling my friend the other day that I don’t think he would survive a day in my brain. Some days, I don’t know if I am going to survive another day in it either. Thoughts are powerful. I’ve read so much about how our thoughts are not us and they don’t control us; but damn, it sure doesn’t feel that way when you’re in the middle of a downward spiral in your mind. Honest moment. I’ve been spiraling lately. Thoughts of fear, shame, anger, and more have been on my mind day and night. It’s hard to live and love in these times.
Another honest moment. I am a perfectionist in every sense of the word. I’ve always been that way. On the outside, I know how to perform. I enjoy being good at what I do; and when I miss my mark, it feels like my world is ending. Literally. If I’m not doing what I need to do, in my mind, I am not worthy. Not worthy of abundance, not worthy of kindness, and surely not worthy of love. Writing out something like this makes it seem pretty clear that this is ridiculous; however, in the moments my mind goes to this place, I believe this with my whole heart.
Now, in my perfectionist tendencies, when I feel unworthy and unlovable, my natural instinct is to fix myself. What can I do better? How can I be better? How can I be worthier of love? As most of us know, you can’t “fix” yourself by changing your thoughts in an instant. I drive myself crazy because I want to be different instantly. My thoughts roll in circles working through how I can fix myself to extreme shame that I failed in the first place to despondency because I’m not different yet. (I’m also so patient with myself.) Once I get the ball rolling, it’s pretty difficult to stop it.
Thankfully, I am loved. I have people in my life that are willing to put up with this and accept me as I am. I have people that tell me I am okay. Connection matters. Thank goodness we don’t all think the same. At the end of the day though, I still have me and my brain to deal with.
So, the thing that’s shitty about these thoughts and patterns is that I can’t fix them. I’m learning it’s actually just the opposite. It’s a choice always. (Also a shitty fact.) I have to make a conscious effort to choose love. To forgive myself. To have compassion for myself. I have to consciously tell myself that I can’t fix me. Sometimes day by day, sometimes moment by moment.
Today I got it. Today I found a sparkle of freedom. Today I realized that it’s not about fixing. There’s nothing broken. There’s nothing wrong. There’s simply the choice to let go. To let go of my old thoughts and limiting beliefs. To let go of the need to be perfect. To let go of the idea that I’m not worthy of love. To let go and just be. Letting go is hard. Letting go is healing. Letting go is freedom. Letting go is loving.
As my tears start to flow, I breathe and remind myself that it’s okay to let go. I write this not to just let everyone know about me, but to share with you. I know I’m not the only one who struggles. I see struggles every day. There is beauty in vulnerability in the struggle. I am still loved and so are you. No matter what you’re dealing with, going through, or having a hard time letting go of.
Love always. Jenna.